TWIRL

Why We Are Afraid to Read "Go Set a Watchman" and Why We Shouldn't Be

The fear surrounding Harper Lee's second novel has been as palpable as the excitement. I purchased the book yesterday and have not read a single page, but from what I'm reading and hearing, Lee's portrayal of Atticus is less than ideal. This go round, Atticus is reported to symbolize aspects of racism.

I am afraid to read this novel. Most lovers of To Kill a Mockingbird are, too. Some are choosing not to read the book at all. An article on social media this morning spoke about parents being upset about the book's publication, because they had named their child Atticus. And I think I know why. Atticus is our hero, and he might fall. As I process this, my thoughts have changed. We shouldn't be afraid.

We place people on pedestals. There are certain individuals who represent all we hold dear and value, and we forget they are human. It's inevitable. They will fall. Even our beloved Atticus. May we consider the danger in putting others on a pedestal. They are sure to disappoint us as surely as we will disappoint others at some point in our lives. 

What if? What if Atticus falls? Why can't he be a hero and a human being at the same time? Whatever ensues in Go Set a Watchman does not negate what he did for us in To Kill a Mockingbird. We do not have to return a gift because the giver messes up. We do not have to stop loving someone because they disappoint us. 

May we allow Atticus' journey to remind us to be gracious to one other. Reactions to Atticus' literary evolvement is evidence of how hard we are on each other in real life. None of us belong on a pedestal. Let's not hang our hats and hearts on a human being. He or she will fail. It is not Lee's fault or Atticus' fault we are afraid. It's our fault. Because we placed the expectation of perfection on the imperfect. 

Atticus in Go Set a Watchman is a reminder of our own humanity. Our hearts can be so ugly and misguided. Atticus is us. Imperfect us. How about we hang our hats and hearts on the One, who in his very humanity, was perfect. That sure would make reading this novel much less daunting. In fact, it may be an invitation to grace, vulnerability, and growth versus an excuse for judgement, resentment, and stagnancy. 

When Courage Does Not Resemble John Wayne

Galloping down the dusty street of a dilapidated western town, John Wayne sweeps in forcefully taking command of the chaos. The hero with the shiny badge saves the day. Every time. He does so with ease, confidence, and grace. Even though I was secretly wishing my dad would turn the channel to something a little more Hallmark-ish, I would watch. We are familiar with this scene. The kind that makes courage look simple, glamorous, tough, and easy. 

Courage looks this way in my mind. I assume courageous people feel as confident as their actions appear. As I was sitting in my counselor’s office recently, he looked at me, his eyes filling with tears, and asked me, “Do you realize how courageous you are in your life and in the decisions you make?” UM. LET ME THINK. NO. I wept and responded, “Courageous people do the hard thing with a better attitude.” I may do the hard thing, but my heart’s response and my attitude pales in comparison. My counselor suggested that the hard thing doesn’t have to feel good nor does it have to make me happy in order to be courage. Courage and PollyAnna aren’t required to be BFFs.

God tells us in Revelation 3:7: "When I open a door, no one can close it. And when I close a door, no one can open it. Listen to what I say." When we obey God, and act upon hearing His still, small voice, we do not have to like His choice of door. It is great if we do, and it is OK if we don’t. He does not ask us to like it, he asks us to LISTEN. Looking back on my teenage years, I remember plenty of times my parents forbade me to do something for various reasons. Liking their decision was not a perquisite to obedience, and I think that is an important distinction, especially in our journey as children of God. Courage may be doing the hard thing we despise, the thing that feels counterintuitive and unnatural in every way.

It is important to give courage permission to feel ugly. Courage often looks teary eyed and weepy. Courage often looks worn out, and why shouldn’t it?  Courage can be doing the same thing day in and day out, sometimes without any positive reinforcements. Jesus says, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Taking his yoke upon us implies that we are still carrying our hard thing, but WHO we are carrying it with changes. He doesn’t say the hard thing goes away or all the emotional weight of the situation will dissipate like a magic trick. He simply says let me go there with you; Invite me along on your courageous path. Being courageous is essentially giving up control to unseen and strong hands that are better equipped for heavy pulling. Courage is not denying that the journey is plain hard, because it just is.

Courage, whether reinforced or not in worldly ways, is honored and known by the Father. There are plans of His for us that require our blind, teary eyed, weary courage. Courage requires foresight, a big picture perspective, when we can hardly see two feet in front of us. I think that’s what I would call hope. Hope is so courageous and so hard. It’s also, as Annie Downs, writes, “the one thing we can’t stand to lose.”

Holley Gerth writes, “You deserve to be applauded – for just digging in, doing what you do, keeping at it no matter what.” Know that God is a God who sees and is good. Keep digging in and keep being courageous, even when it requires waterproof mascara. 

The Quote I Can't Shake

Speaking of being inconvenienced, this quote has been running amuck in my mind. I can't shake these words. When I initially read it, I immediately thought, "Yes. That's it." My very next thought was, "Wait, that doesn't sound right." My dichotomous thoughts, like a clock's pendulum, continued swinging back and forth, and I had no idea why. Until today. 

The quote invoked feelings of shame. I feel shame when I think about how I am inconvenienced in loving others. My acts of service and love are accompanied by thoughts of my to-do list, some preferred activity, or my own personal issues. I feel shame because how dare I feel inconvenienced to serve and love others after all the Lord has done and is doing for me.

More times than not, I serve and love anyway. And y'all, that is Jesus. That is Jesus manifesting himself in and through my humanity. I can't even count the number of times I have felt shame and condemnation over my hesitancy and lack of desire to serve. Each time I am missing out on the beauty that comes from the service itself. My feelings about my feelings become boxing gloves. I become so wrapped up in my internal state and thoughts that I miss the fact that I put one foot in front of the other and did the thing anyway. I miss the beauty of the actual exchange, because I am too busy fighting with my very humanity. Shame attempts to steal my joy by making it all about me. God will always be glorified. Shame DOES NOT have the power to steal his glory. God will be glorified with or without me. But shame CAN steal my joy. 

We will always feel inconvenienced by love, because love IS an inconvenience! Calling it what it is, and allowing God to work and love and serve through us in spite of these feelings is living out of our true selves: Christ in us. May the inconvenience of loving awaken us to our humanity and our desperate need for Him. If we didn't struggle in our humanity, we wouldn't need Him in the first place. We have to experience our humanity and weaknesses in order to experience God. 

Dan Stone and David Gregory, in their book, The Rest of the Gospel: When the partial Gospel has worn you out, write about being moved "from thoughts and feelings (which are perfectly normal reactions to life's situations), to the level of the spirit, to faith, to allowing Christ to respond to situations through you with His life. The situation stays the same, but you have shifted on the inside." They go on to discuss how Jesus did not deny his overwhelming feelings in the Garden before he was to be crucified. Instead, "He chose to live from the Father rather than from his feelings." 

For the mother with a toddler at her ankles and folding the fifth load of laundry for the day:

For the teacher who provides one more gentle prompt for the child who has blurted out a million times:

For the person who has worked hard all day and delivers a casserole to her neighbor in need:

For the spouse who refrained from reciprocating hateful words: 

For the person caring for aging parents or a sick friend:

For the person who missed the season finale of her favorite show because a friend was in need:

For the waitress who has dealt with a rude customer on the hour every hour:

For the individual who chooses a couple of hours of rest over the to do list (because we can't forget about loving ourselves correctly): 

Know that Jesus is begin glorified even when you FEEL inconvenienced. More importantly, Jesus is being glorified because even though the thing you are doing IS an inconvenience, you love anyway. Shake the shame. Embrace your natural human response. Let it push you deeper into Christ; not deeper into a place of  self loathing. 

The truth is that being willing to love in spite of the inconvenience is God showcasing himself through us regardless of how we feel. Our feeling of being inconvenienced is an invitation for God to love through us and in spite of us. It is His way of letting us know, that apart from Him we will run out of steam and will live selfishly. But in Him, we are able to choose truth over feelings, and to love regardless of the inconvenience.

 

Why Jennifer Garner Crying on the Today Show Matters

Watch this clip first!

Jennifer Garner crying on the Today show matters. Click on the link above if you haven't seen it! We cannot relate to an actress who makes millions of dollars and is on tour promoting her new film. We can relate to a small town southern girl who happens to be an actress. Who starts crying when she talks about her mama. Who is surprised by her tears and who fumbles awkwardly in the moment of, "Oh my word I am crying in front of people I don't know!" We get that person, because that person is me. That person is us. That is being human.

We aren't so different after all. In fact we are all so much alike at our core. Jennifer Garner reminded me of my humanity this morning. Her tearfulness reminded me of the power and bravery of vulnerability. The power of allowing ourselves to be seen. I love Brene Brown's quote on vulnerability: "Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It's tough to do that when we're terrified about what people might see or think."

During this interview on the Today show, Savannah's list of questions fell softly to her lap, and she entered into a real, authentic human exchange. She showed true delight in reaction to Garner's exposed heart. The exchange transformed itself from an interview to a visit between girlfriends. At that moment, the set could easily have been a front porch with two rocking chairs and a pitcher of sweet tea. Hollywood became small, and discussing relationship, family, story, and matters of the heart became the hot topic.

Garner showed us what is so lovely about a woman's heart; The perfect balance of delicacy and strength that embodies femininity. Being a woman is beautiful, and we desperately need to see more examples of real femininity in a world where women often suppress their authentic selves in efforts to even the playing field. We can have one without losing the other. We really can.

Tearing up is not a cue to rush to the ladies room, to hide, and to reapply eye make up. In her book, "A Million Little Ways," Emily Freeman talks about paying attention to what makes you cry and how that points us to our hearts' desires. Tearing up is an invitation to authenticity, allowing others to see what makes your heart, as Freeman puts it, "come alive," and giving yourself permission to be awakened to the God planted desires and hopes of your very soul. 

Garner's weeping on the Today show matters, because seeing other women embrace true femininity and practice vulnerability in real life opens up the desire to experience it for ourselves. I had dessert and coffee with a dear friend of mine this evening. Time is lost on us each time we visit. As we sipped our coffee and nibbled on cake, we chatted about our joys and hopes as well as our deepest fears and pain. Because we gave ourselves permission to be vulnerable with each other, fears were exposed and courage was birthed.

Two women with different life stories left the dessert cafe this evening stronger than they were when they entered. All because, like Garner, they weren't afraid of being seen.   

Mr. Teague

My diet coke arrives just as I become settled, because I'm known at this little restaurant. That is just so sweet to me, reminding me on a small scale how much we as humans crave to be known, visible, and noticed. Not in the famous way, but in the every day, you matter way. I tear up a couple times, because a group of older men sitting and talking just gets to me. A group of ladies are having a birthday brunch. The waitresses gather around the table, sing, and bring her a pancake. A pancake!! How perfect is that?! Random people throughout the restaurant join in singing, everyone claps, and I'm done. The day was a total waste of eye makeup in the best way.

Dining alone is a peaceful experience for me, providing me time to think and slow. I must have been thinking pretty heavily, because the sweet man in the booth beside me catches my eye and smiles. He comments on the intensity my face must be exuding saying, "You sure are focused over there!"

His name is John Teague, "Teague pronounced just like league but with a 'T'." I smile at that and proceed with, "I'm Jenilee. It's spelled as one word but pronounced as two."

I don't know, y'all. It just popped out in response.

I learn so much about him. He has two boys, 4 grandchildren, is retired, is a member of the worship team at his church, and has been married 50 years. He loves to read. We talk about work by Norman Vincent Peale and John Maxwell. I tell him about my family, my career, my dreams. He is going to mail me some little cards with his favorite quotes. And then Mr. Teague imparts upon me the gift of wisdom from his life experiences.

I thought I'd share a little of Mr.Teague's wisdom:

"Embrace adversity. Think of an oak tree. You have to have a little sway, or you will fall. A pine, sticking straight up, with no give, like a sign post, will fall with strong wind. The oak sways. It is flexible."

"The little things mean the most."

"It is not the elephants you have to look out for but the gnats. They will wear you out."

"Good things are going to happen for you. Trust that the Lord is taking care of you."

And he ended our sweet conversation with:

"Now be sure to tell your daddy this one. What vegetable does road kill like best?.......SQUASH!!!!"

Stop. it.

 

A New Year

I think this image came from the Hopeologie website.

It's a brand new year. Again. Thank you, Jesus. BRING IT.

New Year's Eve makes me cry. I prefer staying at home, listening to cute boy bands and Taylor Swift party it up before the ball drops, dancing around in my pajamas. Then the ball drops, and I find myself reflecting, praying, and crying. The crying is never a sad cry, rather a reflective and thankful cry. I find myself feeling blessed. though a little beat up and bruised. Who isn't after an entire year of life? If you are the exception, please call, and tell me what your secret is. I find that by the time the calendar resets itself for another 365 days, those bruises and tough hits have morphed into personal growth, lessons, wisdom, and grit. I think about all the things I got right and all the things I got wrong. I've made courageous, brave decsions, and I've made poor, impulsive, and careless decisions. But the beauty is that I am making them and living. Worse than making a bad decision is staying stuck and stagnant, never progressing. Even if a poor decision leads to a setback, at least you know what route not to take next time. That's wisdom. I love Lysa Terkeurst's quote, "If you desire to please God with the decision you make and afterward it proves to be a mistake, it's an error not an end."

As the ball drops in Times Square, I can feel the grace dropping, too. It reminds me to note the grace and mercy we receive daily at the stroke of midnight: A new day, a new chance, a frest start.

I think of my counseling sessions, books I've read, experiences I've lived, and wisdom attained from family and friends. There are so many lessons I plan on taking into the New Year, a few of which are included below.

• It's OK to reward people with my respect and not my relationship. It really is OK. Really.
• Instead of doing all I can to make my story play out, be open to the story Jesus has for me. His story. His dream. I want to trust His plans more than my dreams. I want to live each moment out fully and deeply instead of writing a script and screen play for my future. And while I've already been so imperfect in this area in 2015, I'm learning from my mistakes faster.
• Following your heart sounds great amidst the pages of a Nicholas Sparks novel, but in real life, it can be dangerous territory. I think your head and heart need to be aligned. If it feels right at the heart level, but the logical part of you is screaming no, it's probably a no. If a situation is logical and seems great on paper, but the heart isn't feeling it, that may be a no as well. This may not apply to all of life's scenarios, but for the most part, I think it does. I'm still learning about wise decision making.
• I am worthy, because I am a child of God; nothing more, nothing less. My mama calls or texts me every day to remind me. In turn, I tell my teenage girls how worthy they are. And then I tell my mama she is worthy too, and that she's perfect to me...just plain perfect.

Patience and Story are my words for the year. I'm keeping the word brave too, because I cannot be patient and trust my story to Jesus without courage. Patience is a fruit of the spirit that I wish was sold at Harris Teeter. I'd probably just move into the produce section and camp out. For my entire life, despite the fact that I loathe camping. But I know patience isn't something that can be acquired that easily and conveniently. I am OK with that, because easy never produces the work in me that I really need and desire in the first place.

On a lighter note, here are a few of my favorite things this year:

My new church! Y'all. I LOVE this place. Hope Chapel is the real deal. You walk in, and kids are playing and laughing. People love on you. Hope welcomes and invites the imperfect. I decided to join and make it my church family.

Meyer's cleaning products. Lavendar and Basil bless me.

Netflix: Hart of Dixie, Gilmore Girls, and Friday Night Lights

Can I please just move to Bluebell, Alabama and date Wade? Wait, I can't. He and Zoe are having a baby, now.

Summer-This is the first year I have ever loved summer! I had the best time spending countless hours on the little league baseball fields. I'm ready for cotton sundresses and rainbows already!

Beer. I love beer now. It just happened out of no where! Red Oak is my favorite.

I LOVE decorating for the holidays!

Happy New Year! May you be surprised by wonderful things this year!

Leading Ladies: Already Amazing and Finding Strengths and Weaknesses

These girls. Words escape me in my humble attempt to articulate the adoration and respect I have for their sweet selves. Walking in the door to a Leading Ladies meeting and becoming vulnerable is brave. They do not even realize this is brave, and my mission is to show them and open their eyes to how they are being courageous in their every day. I want them to see what brave looks like in the messy and in the smooth sailing. I want to dissect a fancy word like vulnerability and lead them into a different way of seeing themselves and the world around them.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about how I may have ventured down the psychiatry/MD path had I not been afraid and insecure. I felt initial shame in confessing this but quickly stepped away from the accuser that shame ultimately is. Fear may have interfered with various life paths of mine, but because of fear's crippling affects and the lessons I've learned, I'm repurposing all of those what ifs and regrets and making something lovely. And really, it is God repurposing through me rather than me doing the repurposing. I'm just being brave enough to allow him to do his thing. If one girl pushes past fear, doubt, and insecurity and makes a bold choice based on WHO she is rather than HOW she feels, than praise God for my experiences or lack thereof. 

Here is a quick picture gallery of what we've been doing since my last post. Note that even teachers are jumping in on the "I Am Already Amazing" train! LOVE IT. One of my girls even made the paper...Look at her sweet leading lady self go! I don't have children, but if this is a glimpse of how I will feel about them, Lord help me. I don't know if my heart can contain that kind of love!

We have been learning about significant women who have made bold choices throughout history; Women making change when it was counter cultural to do so. We have also worked on identifying our strengths and skills. This was a challenging task for them, as they were quick to identify who they are not and what they can't do. And that's OK. We are working on changing our patterns of thought. In turn, our new thoughts will become new behavior. My purpose is not for them to think they are good at everything. I want them to be aware of their weaknesses and limitations and have a healthy respect for those as well. As human beings doing life together, the beauty is in our differences and uniqueness and in the ability to partner and do life with those who may be good at something we are not. This brings about a healthy balance of confidence and humilty. This combination is required to get things done well: Authentic servant leadership, teamwork, and a people over process mindset. 

My cup runneth over. I swear...

 

 

 

 

Leading Ladies; A Transformation

Leading Ladies has ventured through a transformation. The group began as an idea that stewed in my mind for two years and evolved into a club for high school girls. Leading Ladies experienced a great run at the secondary level. Once I saw attendance and interest dwindling, I knew it was time to re-think Leading Ladies. Leading Ladies was competing with social hour, the multiple other clubs/sports offered at a high school of 2000 kids, homework and academic expectations, and a general disinterest. I considered taking a break from the idea as a whole, but I just couldn't. I believe in this mission too much.

I think there is wisdom in knowing when to walk away and readjust; A knowing that something has run its course. I'm learning that in all facets of my life from relationships to general life activities. I think we get stuck doing various aspects of life that are no longer bearing fruit, because to quit, insinuates failure. Quitting is not always bad. It can be quite freeing and can propel one toward a better yes and away from a life led by mindless, numbing, and meaningless obligations.

From here, I decided to take Leading Ladies to the elementary level and offer it by teacher nomination to 5th grade girls. We had our first meeting last week, and from the goose bumps that surfaced on my arms multiple times, seeing the excitement on the girls' faces, and feeling how much they were craving the message of this club, I knew I had made the right decision to carry on this passion. A wonderful teacher, Holly, has partnered with me, and this has been such a blessing. She has brought so much depth to this mission and has brought a fresh set of ideas and dreams to the table. Holly and I are going to grow along with the girls. There is beauty in us as adults partnering with a younger generation to grow and transform them and ourselves, because when it comes down to it, we are struggling with the same exact issues. The issues simply have different faces. 

So many great thinkers and writers have shaped my vision for Leading Ladies and my leadership development in general. If you are interested in some of the same concepts, here is a list of works that have deeply impacted me and have refined and sharpened my focus and vision.

For those of you just now visiting the blog, here is a post that documents the development and progression of my journey and finding my purpose.

So, back to the sweet 5th grade girls who are Leading Ladies! I introduced the mission to them and their parents through a letter. They were informed that we would be focusing on the following topics:

• Helping girls thrive in the age of pressure
• Providing doable steps to living out their biggest, boldest dreams
• Discovering strengths and skills
• Learning from mistakes; Not being defined by them
• The trap of perfectionism
• The importance of servant leadership (A service project and field trip will be planned around some area of service. Details will be provided soon.)

During our initial meeting, we did just that. They entered the room tense and unsure, but with glimmers of excitement. I began the meeting with a question.

"How many of you are just plain worn out from trying to be that perfect girl?"

Hands flew up in the air, and tensions melted. They wanted more. And so we began.

Our first activity was simple though powerful. A blank sheet of paper, an easel, and painting supplies were set up for each girl. They were instructed to paint. There was only one rule: You cannot start over. We discussed what was fun and uncomfortable about the activity. They loved that there were no rules, yet they disliked how uncomfortable that felt to them at the same time. The urge to start over was there, and they said it caused them discomfort not being able to "fix" what they perceived to be a mistake. The girls learned that there is beauty in our messes and imperfections. They took creative risks, and they learned about pushing through the fear of failing and making mistakes. The activity ended with a gallery walk. The girls viewed each others' work and wrote a compliment for each painting, including their own. Beauty was found in every single painting, mistakes and all. 

Here is a little gallery walk for you!

 

And then this happened. Y'all. Could my point have been driven home any better?! There is beauty in our mess!! 

I'm Only Five

Kids teach me every day, and I am the one getting paid to help and serve them. The first few weeks of school can be traumatic for some, especially a kindergartner. Torn from all they know, stripped from the safe arms of their mamas, and being thrown into the real world in 2.5 seconds can be jarring. Not every child has been in a pre-school for two years prior to real school. 

I was making my morning rounds through the kindergarten hallway and stepped into a classroom. There are a few children I know well outside of school, and I often scoot in to give a hug and say a quick, "I love you and am proud of you." As I was doing so on this particular day, I spotted a little one in the back of the room crying. He was not hard to spot or hear for that matter. His crying was more like a mild wailing. I looked at the teacher to ensure it was OK for me to help, and she informed me that he had been moved to her room in hopes that he may settle down. I had permission to intervene.

I sat down on the floor, which put me at eye level with him. The last thing I cared about was my white pants on that tennis shoe, kid stained school house carpet. I needed to SEE him, and he needed to SEE me; Not just see me in a physical, sensory way but to really connect and relate. I told him who I was, shook his little hand, and simply affirmed that Kindergarten is pretty darn scary. New beginnings are. I don't care who you are. I asked him if he could tell me why he was sad. He said, "I miss my mommy." 

Y'all. Just kill me now. 

My eyes filled with tears, and I said, "Baby, I miss my mommy, too." We talked a little more, and as we talked, I'm thinking of what my plan is going to be in this situation. Because I'm still sitting on the floor, and little man is still crying. So I started to think and plan and talk simultaneously. Lord, help me! This combination usually goes really well or really bad. Bless.

I began with this: "Since we both miss our mamas, we are going to have to be brave today. Let's be brave together." Then I said the words I wish I could take back. This happens a lot, and I'm learning to be more gracious with myself when it does. I said, "You are in kindergarten now. You have to be a big boy."

And then it happened. He looked at me and replied emphatically, "I am ONLY five." I teared up AGAIN, and said, "You are so right, and I am so sorry. It is OK to cry, to be scared, and to not be ready for this no matter how old you are. Let's just do a little bit at a time." 

Fear doesn't discrminate by age or by anything for that matter. And being at a certain maturity level or age does not mean fear goes away or that we shouldn't experience it. I put unnecessary and unrealistic expectations on little man. I didn't need him to be a "big boy." I needed him, just as he was, to trust me and to simply take the first step.

I showed him the clock and showed him that when the first number is a 2, it will almost be time to go home. I scrambled around for a piece of paper and found a fat crayola orange marker on the verge of drying out, and we wrote out his daily schedule:

Reading

Art

Lunch

Recess

Snack

Math

HOME!!!! (With a million smiley faces)

After each part of his day, he and his teacher were going to check it off the list.

One thing I do know is that fear will keep us stuck in the wrong place or in hiding, so I asked him if he was ready to go back to his own classroom; The very room he was avoiding and escaping. He nodded yes, and we walked hand in hand across the hall. He went to his spot on the carpet, gave me a thumbs up, and I left. I will never forget that little thumb. He was brave, he took the first step, and you could tell that felt good. He felt stronger already, and he continued taking the next step throughout the day. The tears kept coming, and he kept going until the clock changed to a 2. He was living out plain, raw courage; Not because he was five years old and a big boy now, but because he perservered in spite of his feelings and roller coaster of emotions.

I think God wants from us something similar. He is not demanding that we just suck it up, and be a big girl or boy. He's asking us to trust Him, and simply take the next step, crying or not. That's bravery: Putting one foot in front of the other when you are sad, scared, angry, hurt, grief stricken, or fearful. Succumbing to unrealistic expecations of where we should or shouldn't be in whatever situation we find ourselves only paralyzes us and shames us. God invites us to move forward just as we are at the pace he sets, whether that be sitting still for a while, baby steps, or giant leaps.

After my morning with the cutest little thing I have ever seen, I went straight to my office and called my mama. I just needed to tell her, that even though I saw her yesterday, that I missed her terribly. I mean, come on. I'm only 32. 

"Blessed is the one who perseveres, 
who does the hard things & puts feet to the floor & just begins, 
who doesn't stop putting one brave step in front of the other because
tough times never last but those who hang on tight to God always do.

The great man is simply the one who believes God Can. 
The hopeful stare up the steps. The faithful step up the stairs.
We never see the miracles of God until we start up the mountain."

Ann Voskamp

Image above from Annie F. Downs

Fresh Starts and a Box of Crayons

Walking down the aisles at Target and Walmart, bombarded by the endless array of school supplies is a reminder of a new school year approaching. Summer is taking her final few breaths, and Fall is about to be born. There is nothing more symbolic of a fresh start than a brand new box of crayons. We hate to even use them; They are so beautiful and perfect! And similar to a fresh start, we don't want to mess them up.

Some fresh starts are predictable: New school year, New Year's Eve, a blank canvas ready to be painted. We can prepare for them. 

BUT some fresh starts are forced upon us unexpectedly, in sometimes painful ways. We aren't prepared. We stall and hold back and stay stuck because it was not part of our plan. We aren't even sure what to do next.

These are the hardest ones. In many cases, we feel like we have to tie up the loose ends from the past and make everything right before stepping out. We ask ourselves, "How can I make a fresh start? I'm such a mess. Everything is so complicated. I've made too many mistakes. I feel like a failure. I've got to fix this first...fix ME first." 

Bob Goff said:

Y'all, a foundation, whether formed by failures or successes, is grounds for a frest start! 

Here is the good news: You are not disqualified from new and from fresh starts because of old places and old, maybe half way mended wounds. Fresh starts don't require healed hearts and minds. It does require bravery and courage to step out in the midst of it. To trust again. To start over with your kids after you lost your temper. To move to a new town. Take that new job. To love again. To start that new project. To go for that dream one more time. Because it is not your job to make all things new. It's God's job. He's just asking us to step out. Even if your box of crayons looks like this: 

This is a good sign. It means you have taken risks, made art, added color to this sometimes ugly world, tried new things, failed some, and made a mess. But, it also means you are LIVING LIFE. So while we can admire a fresh box of crayons all day, they mean nothing if we are not taking them out of the box and using them. 

I type these things and pray I have the bravery to carry out what spills across this keyboard. There are days I do not feel brave. Days I don't want to mess up my box of new crayons. OR, I'm so discougaged by the horrible shape my crayons are in, that I feel stuck. I want things comfortable and pretty. May we all have the courage to take fresh starts as they come, both the predictable and unpredictable, and may we not be afraid to use those crayons, color outside the lines, and really live.